Over the years, I've had so many female issues that I often wondered if I was infertile, and my doctor had suggested as much on more than one occasion. At the age of 25, my doctor first mentioned hysterectomy to me. At that age, I wasn't ready to make such a permanent decision. My answer to him was that if I possibly could, I'd like to wait until my future husband and I could make that decision together, but that if it came to the point where I couldn't wait any longer, we'd discuss it again. He said it was one of the most mature decisions he'd heard in a long time. I continued to suffer and struggle for another 15 years, trying all kinds of meds, treatments, and several surgical procedures. Nothing worked! I continued to get worse and worse. I felt like "the woman with the issue of blood" in the Bible and prayed and prayed for God to heal my body. At the age of 40, still with no husband in sight, I just couldn't take it any more and decided to have the surgery. I had a great peace about it and knew it was the right decision.
Almost my entire life, I had no desire to have children of my own. I love children, don't get me wrong. I'd have to in order to teach them for over 17 years. I sometimes even wondered if maybe I didn't have mothering instincts. When other women were pregnant or had babies, instead of flocking to them and saying lots of ooh's and ahh's (like the majority of women do), I always went the other direction. I didn't want any part of it! I've always loved my students, but also loved when 3:30 pm came and I could send them back home to their parents. I often said that if I ever did have a child, I might have to quit teaching because after dealing with everyone else's children all day, the idea of coming home to more children just wasn't appealing. Now, looking back, I don't know if all of that was truly how I felt or just the "wall" I'd put up around me because I felt deep down that I was unable to have my own children... almost like if I didn't want them, then I couldn't be disappointed when it didn't happen. When I questioned my mothering instincts around my sister-in-law, she completely disagreed. She said she'd watched me around her boys (my nephews) many times and that I was wonderful with them and they always wanted to be around me. At different churches, over the years, the younger children always seemed to like me and want to hang out with me. Many of my students have called me "Mom". I never encouraged it, but also never told them they couldn't. So many times, teachers do get really close to their students, especially the ones who are hungry for attention and love. That's especially true at the deaf school, where I currently teach, because the students live there in dorms during the week, and we're such a small school that we become like a big family.
The finality of the hysterectomy, in summer of '09, really made me re-think some things. God's way to heal me was to allow the surgery. I believe that one touch from Him could've healed my body in an instant, but apparently He had His reasons for not doing that. While I recovered, at home in Panama City, FL, my feelings about children of my own started to change. Now that I knew for sure I couldn't have them, I wanted them. We always want what we can't have, right? But, it was more than that. It was as if God had completely changed my desire and now the thought of a child in my life was very strong and I couldn't shake it. You have to remember that my whole life, I have NOT wanted children, so these feelings are new and even strange to me at times.
A few years ago, God started leading me to a certain passage in the Bible over and over again. It reads as follows...
"Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the Lord. "Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated... For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is His name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth." (Isaiah 54:1-5, NIV)
When He'd speak to me about this passage, He would often call me "a mother to many." I used to think it symbolically referred to all the students I've taught over the years, or even the children I'm in contact with at church, and it may very well include them, but I believe it's so much more. God has placed a "spirit of adoption" upon me (I'll explain that more in detail in a later post), and I believe that this child I'm currently searching for will be the first of many to come. I'm searching for a deaf or hard-of-hearing child, since it's my passion and calling to work with the deaf. I refuse to discriminate based on sex or race of the child. Although my first preference is a young child, age 2 to 5, I'm leaving my options open for an older child too. So many of the older children are more difficult to place in homes because most people want babies. I do not want an infant at this point. I don't feel like I'm as good with babies as I am with children who are a little older. I'm also approaching this as a single mom with all of my family living several states away, so I won't have a husband and family to help out at first. I'm aware that the Deaf/HOH child I find may have a sibling that needs to come along with him/her. I wouldn't want to separate them, so I'm open to that possibility as well. I don't want 5 extra siblings, of course, but 1 would be ok with me. I really thought I would wait until I have a husband so I'd have some help, but I'm already 41 and there's no husband in sight. I don't want to be so old that I don't have any energy left to enjoy and play with my child. Besides, as the above scripture states, God is my husband right now and He's already given me the "go ahead" to begin this process now. So, that's what I'm doing.
I'm beginning my search locally, here in NC, through the Children's Home Society. If I don't find my child here, I will expand to surrounding states. If I still don't find the one/s God has already chosen for me, then I will begin to search internationally. I strongly believe that God has already hand-selected my child/ren and it's just a matter of Him putting us together under the right circumstances. I'm excited about it and am looking forward to meeting my precious angel/s. I hope that you will be excited right along with me and join me in prayer as I travel along this journey. I will be making blog updates as I go to keep you posted on how things are going and to let you know of ways you can pray with me.
My paperwork process, called "the paper pregnancy," began a few months ago, and I've met with my social worker, Ta'Nishia, for 2 interviews already. She let me know, this past Monday, that I've been officially accepted into the program. They go ahead and train all of their "waiting parents" as foster parents. It's not my intention to just foster the children, but since so many of the children are "in transition" and may or may not be "legally free" to be adopted yet, I will most likely start out as a foster parent with the intent to adopt my child/ren once they are "legally free." Now, I'm working on a huge stack of paperwork and will be creating a family profile book that prospective children and their social workers can read and look at to get a better idea of who I am, what I look like, and what life will be like with me. My "home study" process has begun as well (part of the interviews and the paperwork I'm working on).
What I don't have is a proper living place. I'm currently in a small 1-bdrm apartment and, since I must prove to them that I have room for a child to be placed in my home, I need to move into a larger apartment or house. I'm beginning my search this week while I'm off on Spring Break and hope to move very soon. I'm hoping to find a nice 3 bedroom apt/house so I'm prepared should there be a sibling, and if not, then I have an office and more storage area. The new home will need to be set up and inspected by both the fire inspector and my social worker in order for the home study to be complete.
I will soon be starting some required parenting classes to prepare me for various scenarios the child may have come from (abuse, neglect, abandonment, death of parents, etc). These will be 5 Saturdays, pretty much all day, starting the last Saturday of April and continuing through May. Once that is completed, my home study is completed, and the family profile book is completed, everything will be mailed off to a certification office to be processed. At that point, it's a waiting game for 1 to 2 months. Faith-building time!! When that's finished, I will be officially licensed as a foster parent and will be ready for a child in my home. During this process and during that waiting period, we can go ahead and begin to search for children who match what I'm looking for. Ta'Nishia, my social worker, felt that by mid-to-late summer or early fall, I could have a child in my home. She's already been wonderful to help put me at ease and to answer my tons of questions. There's lots to be done, but I'm really excited about it. Please be in prayer with me and know that I appreciate your love and support.
